Inspired by Dan Cooper’s thought-provoking piece in Money Marketing, which asks, “Who’d want to be a regulator, eh?” — I couldn’t help but reflect on our own well-chlorinated experiences with the FCA. Dan’s article dives into Ofwat’s spectacular collapse under the weight of its own inaction, drawing a tidy line between regulatory oversight and public trust.
But if Ofwat drowned in sewage, the FCA seems to be thriving in something far murkier: selective memory, bureaucratic theatre, and a strange immunity to consequence.
Let’s take the plunge.
Regulation Nation: A Tale of Two Watchdogs in Denial
By Steve Conley | Academy of Life Planning
So, Ofwat’s been flushed. How tragic. The sewage regulator found itself… well, swimming in it, after the public finally twigged that being “light-touch” in the face of actual raw effluent isn’t, in fact, a brilliant governance strategy. Who knew?
But while Ofwat sinks, what of its drier, pinstriped cousin, the Financial Conduct Authority? Surely, after years of being “held to account” by reports that are shelved faster than supermarket lettuce, it must be bracing for impact?
Ah, no. The FCA, you see, has evolved beyond mere “failure.” It has transcended the need for memory altogether.
The Goldfish Conduct Authority
While Ofwat was busy presiding over a literal flood of excrement, the FCA has been metaphorically doing the same—just with people’s life savings. The difference? Water companies face public outrage. The FCA faces… well, LinkedIn debates and politely worded committee reports.
You’ve got to hand it to them—regulatory capture has never looked so well moisturised.
Remember the All-Party Parliamentary Group’s 358-page takedown of the FCA? The one that described the regulator as “opaque, unaccountable, and systemically flawed”? No? That’s fine. Neither does the FCA.
They’ve perfected the art of selective amnesia—call it strategic forgetfulness. Or maybe just good old-fashioned plausible deniability. After all, if a watchdog ignores enough whistleblowers, do they even exist?
From Paddling Pool to Cesspit
Ofwat’s fatal mistake? Letting the poo rise high enough for people to smell it.
The FCA, by contrast, keeps the stench politely hidden behind Non-Disclosure Agreements, redacted documents, and compliance theatre. Its job isn’t to protect consumers—it’s to manage the optics of protection while ensuring the financial cartels keep calm and carry on hoovering.
Meanwhile, victims of investment fraud are left to clean up their own mess. Often with nothing more than a rejected FOS complaint and a 30-year-old leaflet on “awareness.”
Who’d Want to Be a Regulator?
Apparently, everyone—as long as the job comes with a defined-benefit pension, a LinkedIn bio full of acronyms, and zero threat of actual consequences. The post-regulator career path is practically a TED Talk template:
- Oversee a disaster.
- Avoid scrutiny.
- Get promoted.
- Write a book on “resilience.”
We call this the Hector Sants Effect. It’s like a golden parachute, except the plane never crashes—it just changes its call sign and pretends the cockpit’s under new management.
One Down, One to Go?
Ofwat’s public execution should be a warning, but the FCA needn’t worry. Its missteps rarely make the 6 o’clock news. Why? Because sewage is visible. The FCA’s failures are buried in footnotes, buried alive under jargon like “consumer duty,” “fair value assessments,” and my personal favourite: “lessons have been learned.”
Has there ever been an organisation so committed to learning and yet so resistant to change?
Conclusion: All Sewage, No Sanitation
As regulators go, Ofwat drowned in its own filth. The FCA? Still dancing on the tightrope, balancing growth with protection, while hoping no one realises the rope was cut years ago.
And when the next financial scandal erupts—when lives are ruined, savings are gone, and trust evaporates like a puddle in a heatwave—expect the same tired playbook:
- “Isolated incident.”
- “Rogue advisers.”
- “Industry-wide learning opportunity.”
But here’s the twist. We remember. And memory, unlike regulation, cannot be outsourced.
Ready to build a financial future that doesn’t depend on regulators remembering their job descriptions? Join the movement for empowerment, transparency, and sovereignty at the Academy of Life Planning. We don’t forget who we serve.
If you are a fraud survivor or work in financial justice and want to share your views on this issue, feel free to get in touch.
http://www.aolp.co.uk | @RatBaggery | steve.conley@aolp.co.uk
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